06 December 2009
Mature Single Women Are Cougars, But . . .
12/12/2009 01:50
SINC SAYS:
We’ve all heard the expression “cougars” when it comes to naming mature single women.
They’re often thought of as the older women who roam the bars of the world looking for flings with younger men.
Which incidentally leaves me out of the picture, but I digress.
But what about those mature single guys who roam the bar looking for young stuff? I mean they’re out there doing essentially the same thing, but so far they’ve escaped having any moniker hung on them.
Or maybe not.
Snake Tries To Eat Own Tail
12/12/2009 01:50
Bald Bears At Zoo?
12/12/2009 01:49
SINC SAYS:
Oh boy, what next?
Bald bears?
I mean Yogi Bear was bad enough with his pic-in-nic baskets, but I mean really, a bald bear?
Do they have toupees for bald bears or what?
Oh, you say it’s not that kind of bald?
What kind is it?
Reader Response Forum
11/12/2009 03:41
The Things That People Send Me
INSTALLING HUSBAND
SINC SAYS:
This timely bit of humour was sent to us by mybirdie.ca reader Sharon who wrote, “Hi Don, Thought you might get a chuckle out of this one. Have a great day!”
Well Sharon, you just made my day and I suspect that of a lot of readers. Thanks for the submission.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
* Romance 9.5 and
* Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
* NBA 5.0,
* NFL 3.0 and
* Golf Clubs 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind:
* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
* If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
* Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do , DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
* Cooking 3.0 and
* Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Making A Baby
11/12/2009 03:40
SINC SAYS:
Try not to snort your coffee through your nose when you are reading this one folks!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to . . ."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that is a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look".
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Then Mrs. Smith fainted.
Drunk Driving In A Horse And Buggy?
11/12/2009 03:40
SINC SAYS:
Say it isn’t so.
A guy was caught red handed driving drunk in a horse and buggy.
I thought it was only the Amish who drove those things anymore.
Oh wait, he was Amish.
You would think the cops would just let Old Nellie find her way home with the guy asleep in the buggy wouldn’t you?
But not this cop.
Soft Toilet Paper Target Of Environmentalists
11/12/2009 03:40
SINC SAYS:
There’s a battle brewing between environmentalists and those who seek comfort in the John.
Those pesky tree huggers want average folks to give up soft toilet paper and use the stuff made from recycled cereal boxes and the like.
“Ouch, that hurts,” is the rallying cry of people sitting you know where.
What’s with those tree huggers anyway?
Don’t their bottoms need TLC too?
Christmas Trees Around The World
11/12/2009 03:40
The Capitol Christmas tree in Washington, D.C., is decorated with 3,000 ornaments that are the handiwork of U.S. schoolchildren. Encircling evergreens in the 'Pathway of Peace' represent the 50 U.S. states.
The world's largest Christmas tree display rises up the slopes of Monte Ingino outside of Gubbio, in Italy's Umbria region. Composed of about 500 lights connected by 40,000 feet of wire, the 'tree' is a modern marvel for an ancient city.
A Christmas tree befitting Tokyo's nighttime neon display is projected onto the exterior of the Grand Prince Hotel Akasaka.
Church Sued For Feeding Homeless
11/12/2009 03:40
SINC SAYS:
Direct from our “We Don’t Make This Crap Up” department comes this unbelievable story from Texas.
A local lawyer with offices near a Houston church is suing said church for feeding homeless people.
That’s right, this fine upstanding lawyer says the poor drive down his property value and wants the church to shut down operations.
Makes you kind of wish the church had told him to go to hell, doesn’t it?
Well, they did
Reader Response Forum
10/12/2009 06:11
Fire Services Poll Result
Seems to me that taxpayers have no desire to see council spend another dime on fire protection than we already have. It also almost certainly proves the other blog poll was tampered with. Now the problem becomes, will council listen to voters?
The Things That People Send Me
Merry Christmas Tree
People Do The Darndest Things
10/12/2009 06:11
SINC SAYS:
The employees at the local K-Mart noticed the red tin can sitting on the customer service counter.
But no one bothered to look inside.
As a matter of fact, it sat there for several days before someone decided to investigate the contents of that can.
One would think that someone would have been curious and looked much sooner.
They found a big surprise.
Wooden Computer Mice
10/12/2009 06:11
Please Santa?
AlestRukov computer mice are eco-friendly alternative to harmful plastic gadgets polluting our world. The idea behind the product is to get the maximum out of natural materials and extend lifetime warranty. AlestRukov computer mice have warranty coverage of over 5 years and can be upgraded to extend the service.
Many more photos here.
Tomato Tosser Tossed In Can
10/12/2009 06:11
SINC SAYS:
By now you’ve all heard that Sarah Palin has written a new book.
She was recently at the Mall Of America at a book signing promoting the new book.
But that is not the story.
A guy up on the balcony apparently didn’t think much of Palin or her book and tossed a couple of ripe tomatoes her way.
Trouble was, he missed so there was little excitement.
That is until he hit a cop right in the kisser.
Tiger’s Harem Just Keeps Expanding
10/12/2009 06:11
SINC SAYS:
Poor old Tiger Woods. The great golfer is really taking a pounding in the media as they keep adorning his image as a swordsman extraordinaire.
And there is no end in sight to his tail, er tale of woe as the media is relentless in its pursuit of this story.
The internet is not much help as it is filled with photoshopped pictures like the one here.
The latest bimbo strikes here.
Woman Beats Partner With Raw Steak
10/12/2009 06:11
SINC SAYS:
Some of the offbeat news is just so good these days.
Take this yarn about a woman and her boyfriend who had an argument about what he would eat for his dinner.
He wanted a roll, she had sliced bread and thus the fight began.
He’s disabled and terminally ill by the way.
It’s a rare event.
Reader Response Forum
09/12/2009 00:07
A Christmas Can-Can
Don,
A treat to watch. Quite the entertaining piece.
Bixman
St. Albert
SINC SAYS:
We love it when our readers uncover gold and this clip qualifies as a nugget. Thanks for sharing it with our readers Bixman.
Fire Services Poll Result Continues
In this space yesterday Lynda Flannery, president of the St. Albert Taxpayers Association contacted me and wondered if local firefighters themselves might have skewed the results of a local blog’s online poll.
As you can see below, by the screen shot I took of the poll, the results are very one-sided. So much so that there leaves little room for doubt that the poll has been manipulated by some special interest group to skew the results to falsely show that 91% of local taxpayers support higher taxation to finance fire protection.
We continue our poll again today to see if we will get the same result:
Free Web Poll
Yesterday’s result indicates that a huge majority of taxpayers are firmly against higher taxation to finance fire protection with 94% voting “NO”. This of course is a 180 degree turn in the other poll’s results and likely much closer to the true opinion of local citizens. You can read the entire story from yesterday in the archives at the lower left of this page.
For those readers interested in the St. Albert Taxpayers Association position on fire protection, you can download the document here.
Meanwhile, here are yesterday’s results from our poll:
lsteele@globaltv.com ------- or ------- sklapstein@globaltv.com
Fill A Bus Campaign Goes December 12
09/12/2009 00:07
SINC SAYS:
The signs are up at the stores, in the buses and on the pedestrian bridge across the St. Albert Trail and probably other places too.
Saturday December 12, St. Albert Transit Drivers will be collecting non-perishable food, donations and toys.
Buses will be at Canadian Tire, both Save On Foods stores, both Safeway stores, Sobeys and at Superstore.
If any reader has more information on this worthwhile event, please feel free to send it along to us. And please do your part on Saturday by dropping off your donation at one of the buses.
Nut Cases From PETA Are At It Again
09/12/2009 00:07
SINC SAYS:
There’s hardly a week that goes by without another hair brained publicity stunt dreamed up by those air heads at PETA.
You remember them don’t you? People Eating Tasty Animals?
At any rate, they now want city council in Louisville, KY. to allow them to put up a statue of a chicken on crutches in the home of the Kentucky Fried Chicken chain.
Their claim of course is that KFC cripples chickens.
I guess someone should break the news to them, shouldn’t they folks?
Pssst, hey PETA. KFC doesn’t cripple chickens . . .
They kill them!
What An Offal Bloody Mess
09/12/2009 00:07
SINC SAYS:
It’s not often one sees a highway strewn with offal.
And even leas likely that it goes on for 15 km and is 30 cm deep in places.
The tail gate on a truck in New Zealand suddenly came unhinged when it was travelling down a state highway.
That when traffic began to skid on the animal fat and remains that lay strewn across the highway.
'Twas an offal bloody mess.
Christmas Gift Wrapped For Drivers
09/12/2009 00:06
SINC SAYS:
An energizer soft drink company in the Netherlands came up with one heck of an idea as a gift to motorists for Christmas.
They snuck out in the early hours of the morning and gift wrapped the presents, all 260 of them.
But what would a soft drink company give drivers?
And why would they only give out 260 of them?
All the answers are here.
Cow Licks House Causing $100 Damage
09/12/2009 00:06
SINC SAYS:
In our ongoing quest to provide our readers with stuff even they didn’t want to know, we’ve struck gold with this gem.
Believe it or not a cow licked a house.
Pretty exciting stuff, huh?
Not only that, it caused $100 damage.
But I bet we got you thinking . . .
Just how did it do the damage?
Reader Response Forum
08/12/2009 03:43
Fire Services Blog Poll Result Skewed?
A recent poll on a local blog asked readers:
Should the city spend more on fire protection?
The poll can be found at:
http://answers.polldaddy.com/poll/2311456/
Lynda Flannery, president of the St. Albert Taxpayers Association contacted me and wondered if the firefighters themselves might have skewed the poll result.
As you can see below, by the screen shot I took of the poll, the results are very one-sided. So much so that there leaves little room for doubt that the poll has been manipulated by some special interest group to skew the results to falsely show that 91% of local taxpayers support higher taxation to finance fire protection.
At least it sure looks like that anyway to many of our readers.
If it was the firefighters themselves who skewed the poll, they have done themselves a great disfavour. And really folks, if you stop and think about it, who else would benefit from skewing results in their favour other than local firefighters, their families and supporters?
We are repeating that poll question to see if our poll result will be tampered with by readers sympathetic to the firefighters cause.
We have both the time and the technology to trace the individual IP addresses of just where those participating in our poll come from and whether or not there is any “en masse” voting originating from a single system source. (IE: multiple computers on the same network.)
One thing we do know for sure is that we don’t need more dollars spent on any unnecessary funding for a fire department that does far less than it used to since the province took over ambulance services.
While no internet poll is foolproof and can frankly be easily manipulated, if local taxpayers care enough, they can turn the tables on the result on that blog poll by expressing their opinion here:
Free Web Poll
And when you’re done with the poll folks, please drop by our Reader Response Forum above and let us know your opinion on several more questions asked in a new thread located there.
Paper Cards 20 To 1 Over E-Mail
08/12/2009 03:43
SINC SAYS:
Apparently some traditions die hard and mailing paper greeting cards via snail mail is one of them.
People just have not warmed up to sending e-mails in place of paper by a 20 to 1 margin.
I guess our household must be with the innovators as we only send a very few paper cards any more. We send more e-mails than paper, bucking the norm.
How does your house rate?
Cops Ticket Quiet Drunks In Bowmanville
08/12/2009 03:43
SINC SAYS:
This one straight from our “What The Hell Were They Thinking” bin comes this kooky yarn from Bowmanville, Ontario.
A couple in their sixties spent the night at a local pub singing Karaoke.
When done, they waited outside the pub on the sidewalk for their ride home.
You see they had called one of those Christmas season ride home services like our Operation Red Nose or Keys Please service.
But a vigilant cop nabbed ‘em anyway.
For public drunkeness?
Speaking Of Really Bad Ideas
08/12/2009 03:43
SINC SAYS:
Every once in a while an idea so incredibly bad you can’t believe it.
Such is the case for the inmates of this Scottish prison.
Prison officials have decided to give them a special gift for Christmas.
The prisoners are delighted, but the townsfolk, not so much.
What are they giving them?
UFO Reporting Lines Closing Down
08/12/2009 03:43
SINC SAYS:
We sure try to keep our readers up to date on the UFO scene.
I mean they are out there, aren’t they?
But some folks are giving up on the hunt.
Even the British military is giving up the ghost, er alien.
No more things that go bump in the night.
Weird Beers Around The World
08/12/2009 03:43
The world’s most
expensive beer comes courtesy of Belgo’s in
London’s Holborn.
The restaurant serves a 12-litre bottle of Vieille Bon Secours ale that has been stored for the last 10 years and has an alcoholic volume of 8 per cent.
It’s described as having a complex taste with citric, caramel and toffee flavours with an undertone of liquorice and aniseed.
The restaurant serves a 12-litre bottle of Vieille Bon Secours ale that has been stored for the last 10 years and has an alcoholic volume of 8 per cent.
It’s described as having a complex taste with citric, caramel and toffee flavours with an undertone of liquorice and aniseed.
Reader Response Forum
07/12/2009 07:32
Place Your Free Christmas Greeting Here
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Here is a novel new
way to get your Christmas greetings out to
friends and relatives.
Simply send a message to us at mybirdie@telus.net and we will put them all together in a special greeting section here on Tuesday, December 22. You can then send a link via e-mail to friends so they can read them before Christmas day.
If you have a special picture you wish to send as well, send it along and we’ll be glad to publish it for you.
Or maybe you just want to wish all our readers the best of the season. That’s fine too, go right ahead. And in the true spirit of Christmas, all pictures and messages are free.
Let’s get them going now!
Christmas Decoration Mistake
Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.
The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year.
The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days.
I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories.
But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that.
My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
I think I made him too real this time as the picture below shows. But it was fun while it lasted.
READER RESPONSE:
Re: Christmas Decoration Mistake
Hahahaha, that is hillarious!!
"Merry Christmas" to you, Don, and family!
XO Velvet & John and Children
St. Albert
A Tale Of A Man And An Elephant
07/12/2009 07:32
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through
the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the
air.
The elephant seemed
distressed, so Peter approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected
the elephants foot, and found a large piece
of wood deeply embedded in
it.
As carefully and as
gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out
with his knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned
to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several
tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking
of nothing else but being
trampled.
Eventually the
elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked
away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.
Twenty years later,
Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenage son. As they approached the
elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Peter
and his son Cameron were
standing.
The large bull
elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The
elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at
the man.
Remembering the
encounter in 1986, Peter could not help
wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing, and made his way into the
enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant
and stared back in wonder.
The elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one
of Peter legs and slammed him against the
railing, killing him
instantly.
Probably wasn't the
same elephant.
Hookers Turn Tricks, Er, Tables On City Council
07/12/2009 07:31
SINC SAYS:
Sometimes the best laid plans of mice and men backfire which is exactly what happened with a recent council decision in Copenhagen.
The city council, worried about “whatever” send postcards to 160 hotels urging them not to arrange liaisons with prostitutes for hotel guests during the climate conference later this month.
But the hookers didn’t think much of that idea and promptly came up with a climate special of their own.
What did they do?
Weird Beers Around The World
07/12/2009 07:31
Reader Response Forum
06/12/2009 05:43
Please Don’t Be An Idiot And Drive Drunk
While you may find the contents of this video both shocking and/or humourous, it does indeed drive home the point that drinking and driving is not a wise decision. Please drink responsibly and enjoy your holiday season:
The Things That People Send Me
Special Turkey Recipe For The Holidays
06/12/2009 05:43
We won’t divulge which reader sent us this recipe,
but we will tell you it was not a guy. Some women
have a great sense of Ha Ha:
Ingredients:
1 Whole turkey
1 Large lemon, cut into halves
Salt and pepper to taste
Butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
Cover and bake for 2 hours. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15 to 20 minutes.
If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture below.
Bon Appetit!
Ingredients:
1 Whole turkey
1 Large lemon, cut into halves
Salt and pepper to taste
Butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer.
Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts.
Cover and bake for 2 hours. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15 to 20 minutes.
If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture below.
Bon Appetit!
Christmas At Rock-Away Rest Home
06/12/2009 05:43
'Twas the night
before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A stocking was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive the joy wouldn't stop,
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our manager, all togged out in red.
She jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the
way that she strutted and jived
Our old age security checks had arrived.
We sang, how we sang in our monotone croak,
‘Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed those nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'Fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
Banned From Library For Smelly Feet?
06/12/2009 05:42
SINC SAYS:
I guess everyone at some time or another has run across a bad case of body odour.
Over my career, it happened a few times and trust me on this folks, there is no fun in talking to a person about BO.
One tends to lose all tact in those situations. But this guy takes the cake when he was banned from his local library for smelly feet.
Stinky story here.
First Run Movie And Video Cam Don’t Mix
06/12/2009 05:42
SINC SAYS:
If your sister is having a birthday and you’re hosting all is well and good.
And if part of the party involves seeing a first run movie, that’s OK too.
But if you are taping the party with a video cam and you take it into the theatre is when the trouble begins.
As this California girl found out.
